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-I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, most of it at unfortunate hours of the night. but then I've been trying to make an honest, critical assessment of my life and somehow that just seems to come up more in the dark.
+https://www.amazon.com/HIC-Harold-Co-60105-Dexter-Russell/dp/B002CJNBSK
 
-The past week or so that I have been away I have been thinking about our relationship. I don't know how it looks from your point of view of course, so I may be way off here, but I think I have been a great friend, a pretty good husband, and a really lousy lover. It's that last one that keeps me up at night the most. I don't know how I got us here, but I want to lead us out of here to somewhere better.
-
-Have you ever wanted something so bad it literally hurts? I wake up all the time in the middle of the night aching for your touch, and I know that sounds really cheesy, believe me I spent considerable time trying to think of a better way to say that, but in the end it best describes how it feels, I just ache for you. Like the soreness of muscles, I ache to touch you, to feel your lips brush against mine. And they never do because I let my own fear and embarrassment get in the way of what I want. 
-
-Years ago when you told me that physical intimacy and sex were sometimes difficult for you, unpleasant even, it scared me. I didn't know how to deal with that. I didn't have the courage to ask you about it. I didn't know what to do. So I did the easy thing. I shut down. I ignored it and focused on the things I could do that didn't scare me, like being your friend. That was a terrible mistake I've been living with ever since. 
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-I cut that intimacy out of our relationship and then, after a certain while I no longer knew how to get it back. And I'll be honest, I am still scared sometimes, and now I don't know how to get that intimacy back. 
-
-But I know that I want it back. I want your touch. I want your body. I want to feel your lips on mine. I want to touch your skin. I want to feel you under me, beside me, on top of me. And I know we don't have the bodies we once did, but I don't care I still love them. Sure, my stomach could be flatter, my legs more hair, my throat less weirdly saggy and a million other things I might change if I could. But I can't. And I don't think at the end of our days we're going to say to ourselves, "thank god we didn't have sex because our bodies didn't meet the stereotypes our culture instilled in us." 
-
-I mean maybe. Maybe it's just me. Maybe you're like yeah fuck that guy, I've got my Scottish time travel romance novels and my super vibrator and he can go jerk it in a corner somewhere. I know I don't deserve better than that for leading us here. 
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-Here was never where I wanted to go, but, if you'll pardon the sailing metaphor, that's what happen when the captain abandons the helm. The ship drifts aimlessly. Still, to give myself hope I always think, why Scottish? Why not Welsh? Why not Irish? Maybe because my name is in it. Yes, that's dumb, but when you're laying awake in the middle of the night trying to figure out different ways you could seduce your wife all sorts of silly things come in your head.
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-I try to live without regrets, but I have a few. This the one: I let our relationship lose that intimacy. I gave up on sex with you. That was a huge mistake. Alas I can't take it back. I am hoping maybe it's not too late though, that I can fix it.
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-You know I can remember in great detail -- great, great detail -- nearly every time we've had sex? I think about those moments all the time. They are my favorite moments in this life. I remember every detail, the way your skin felt, the way you tasted, how our bodies were in entwined, the wet warmth of being inside you. I want all that again, and I don't care what I have to do to get it. I am tired of laying over here just wishing for it. I need your help. I need to know more than anything if it's something you want too. And right now I don't trust myself to get all this out without writing it down, so that's what I've done.